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This is not what I planned. Not one bit.
This isn’t the place in life where I thought I’d be. I never expected to be single and living with my parents as a 30-year-old. I thought I’d be long out of the house by now.
And I was. Twice. But then I came back, and stayed. 😊
I knew I might not get married super young – I do have high standards, after all, and I also like to be absolutely sure of what I’m getting myself into before I make up my mind. And not dating in high school or college didn’t increase my odds of being a young bride.
But I definitely didn’t think I’d still be single at 30. No way! I wanted to get married in my early 20s. I wanted to be a young mom. I wanted to be the first of my siblings to get married and give birth to the first grandchild. I’m the oldest! That’s the way it’s supposed to work, right?!
Ha. My younger brother’s been married for over five years and, while my parents still aren’t grandparents, much of what I envisioned has not gone the way I envisioned it.
My adult life has taken a lot of unexpected twists and turns. I didn’t expect to have a chronic illness for several years. I didn’t expect to jump from career to career – because I didn’t, in all honesty, expect to have a career at all. I didn’t want one. I hoped I’d just get married and have kids right away, so why bother?
I didn’t expect the heartache and disappointment that came with dating. I didn’t expect to be rejected after I’d already been pursued. I thought I was one of the “smart” girls who was immune to getting hurt.
I didn’t expect to be leading a single women’s Bible study. I never even planned on attending one, because singleness was just not one of my life aspirations. I didn’t feel the need to be associated with that kind of thing.
I didn’t expect to be babysitting for parents who were younger than me or watch kids I once babysat actually get married before me. Definitely didn’t see that one coming.
I didn’t expect most of my friends to be younger than me because all the ones my age got married and got busy taking care of their families.
I didn’t expect that God would make me wait this long. I figured if I was faithful, or at least faithful enough, he’d reward me with the one thing he knew I wanted most. I figured he’d be pretty much on the same page since he’s all about being fruitful and multiplying.
I didn’t really expect any of this.
But God is still faithful.
God still has a plan.
I still see myself getting married someday and becoming a mom. Just not necessarily when I’d choose (which would’ve been about seven and six years ago, respectively 😊).
If I had gotten my way, my life wouldn’t look anything like this. Quite honestly, a lot of my single years have been tough. Tougher than I could’ve even imagined they might be.
But the thing is, God has been with me and working through every step and every season. He was there at the beginning, he’s been there through every mountain and valley, and he’s still with me now.
This is not the place I thought I’d be
This is not the road I had in mind in front of me
Don’t see the reason, and sometimes I’m scared
But I know you’re leading, even when I don’t know where
So I’ll put one foot in front of the other
Take one breath and then take another
Lead the way, God, I’m gonna follow you
‘Cause you’re faithful every moment
When it’s easy, when it isn’t
You’ve never led me wrong, never let go
Your love is strong and your arms still hold me
Right here to forever
Like a child and like a treasure
From the start to the end, through the ups and downs
You were with me then, and you’re with me now
From the start to the end, through the ups and downs, God was with me then, and he’s with me now.
This isn’t what I had planned. This isn’t what I expected.
And it hasn’t always been easy. But God’s plan is better, because his plan is best. My life is good – great, even! – just in different ways than I expected it to be.
In my years of singleness, I have grown in ways I never could have otherwise. I’ve become an entirely different person than the girl I was when most people start dating. I wouldn’t be the same person today if I had gotten married when I wanted to.
And I actually like this me better. Even though she’s been really hard to become.
God knows what’s best for every soul in every season. He’s got my back, and he’s got yours too. He has our best interests at heart. He works all things for the good of those who love him. And his plan will prevail.
Let’s be honest, mine might’ve been pretty great, but his is BEST. And the best is more than worth waiting for.