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One definition of the word “love” from dictionary.com describes it as “active, self-giving concern for the well-being of others.” Search long enough – or even just a few minutes – and you will find many, many other definitions on the internet.
In today’s society, I see a lot of discrepancy on what “love” means. Most people seem to agree that we should love each other – many quote the verse that says “Love thy neighbor” – but what really is love? Why don’t all of us have the same definition?
The “love thy neighbor” passage is found in Mark 12:30-31 in the Bible. Here it is in the New King James Version:
“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no other commandment greater than these.
Gary Chapman came up with The 5 Love Languages and has written a whole collection of books on this popular topic. My love language is Words of Affirmation. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when someone gives me a genuine compliment. But I can shower a Quality Time person with affirming words until the cows come home, and that person might leave our interaction without feeling loved at all. Our love languages – the ways we receive love – are different.
I associate love with positive words. The other person associates it with spending quality time together. Consciously or unconsciously, we define love differently.
Lately, I have gotten the impression that many people seem to define love as “agreement.” I often hear statements like, “If you loved me, you would agree with me” or “If you can’t agree with my perspective on this issue, you don’t love me.”
I believe this logic is flawed. First of all, I disagree with everybody I know on at least something, and I still love them. I like vanilla cake; my mom likes chocolate. I preferred the Backstreet Boys growing up; classmates of mine pledged their undying loyalty to NSYNC.
There are bigger issues than boy bands and cake flavors, of course. (Well, maybe not boy bands. That’s a pretty big one. 😉) I have friends and family members who disagree with me on gender identity, immigration, abortion, euthanasia, the role of the government, and the role of the church, to name a few. We may have very different or even opposite perspectives, but I still love them. I care about them and want to see them flourish in life, and I can confidently say that many of them would say the same thing about me. We don’t always agree – sometimes we disagree majorly in our core beliefs – but we do love each other.
I certainly recognize that a person may feel unloved in a scenario where there is a difference in views, especially if his or her identity is tied to the issue at hand. For example, if I have the gift of prophecy and see it as an important part of my identity, yet someone in my family believes the gift of prophecy was only for Bible times and no longer exists today, I’ll naturally feel unloved, rejected, and devalued. Still, experiencing those feelings doesn’t mean I am actually unloved by that person, nor does it mean I cannot love that family member in return. I’ve found that people who believe love necessitates agreement generally have their identity wrapped up in the issue that’s being debated.
I don’t believe love necessitates agreement. I believe love must allow for disagreement. If it doesn’t, it’s not love; it’s control. If there is no freedom in a relationship to see things differently and one person dictates how the other thinks, that resembles the definition of abuse more than it resembles the definition of love.
Galatians 5:1 (NIV) instructs:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
One of my favorite verses, 2 Corinthians 3:17 (NIV), says this:
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
Not control. Not bondage.
Just like in the 5 Love Languages scenario, those who require agreement as proof of my love probably aren’t going to feel very loved by me, because I am unwilling to change my convictions to appease someone else, even someone I care about. But it’s all about the definition. We often define love by how we feel it, rather than defining it logically or biblically.
From a logical standpoint, I believe that love is a choice as much as it is something that can be felt. I can choose to act in a loving way toward someone, regardless of the way I feel about them. I can choose to smile and hold the door open for someone who’s been a bully. I can choose to forgive someone who’s hurt me. I can choose not to hurl an insult back when someone has insulted me. I can choose to marry and stay married even if I don’t feel butterflies every minute for the rest of my life.
We can absolutely feel love for people, but we can also choose it.
The Bible also has quite a bit to say on the topic of love. So what does the Bible actually tell us about love, other than “Love thy neighbor”?
One of the most famous Bible passages, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV), says the following:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t read anything about having to agree with each other there. In fact, it actually says love “rejoices with the truth.” That does not seem to indicate that when I believe something to be true, I should defer to someone else who believes differently in order to prove I love them. I believe we can be honoring toward each other without needing to control each other’s beliefs. It’s not always easy, to say the least, and we won’t always get it right, but it is still a worthwhile goal to continue striving toward. People are worth it, because God loves them and so do we.
Now, the Bible does say this in 1 Corinthians 1:10 (NLT):
I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.
Some translations use the word “agree” or “speak the same thing.” In the original Greek, the word used was “αὐτός,” and it means “the same” or “again.” This chapter specifically discusses baptisms, if you read further.
In his commentary on 1 Corinthians 1:10, Chuck Smith said this (Source: Blue Letter Bible):
Now I believe that there is room for disagreement, different opinions. I can allow for that. I can accept it if you don’t understand the scripture the same way I understand it. If you have a different idea on baptism than I have. I can accept it if you want to be sprinkled; I’ll sprinkle you. Sometimes when I’m baptizing people they say, “Will you put me down head first?” I say sure, I’ll dunk ‘em. I can make allowances for the different ideas that people have. But when we disagree, surely we ought to disagree agreeably that we not create a division. Well he… and we begin to divide over the issues. They shouldn’t separate us; Christ is not divided.
Scripturesavvy.com offers this commentary:
…[T]he notion of “agreeing with one another” doesn’t imply perfectly shared beliefs. It centers around a shared ethos that cultivates love, support, and grace among members. In our church settings, differing views on non-essential doctrines should lead us to edifying conversations rather than division. The focus should leans [sic] towards a heart that is tender and speaks to the bonds that unify us. What’s significant is how we respond in love to each other, not merely whether we agree on every doctrine or issue.
A third commentary from bibleref.com states the following:
Here, as in other passages (Romans 14), Paul will clarify: he is not demanding everyone in the church agree with whomever is in charge. Nor is he teaching that believers can never disagree about something. The standard here is not to reach perfect conformity, only that they must reach unity. Disagreement does not have to mean division.
My personal takeaway from Corinthians 1:10 is that it is advisable to strive for harmony, but agreeing on everything is not a requirement. I just don’t see scriptural proof that loving someone mandates always being in full agreement, and I especially don’t find justification for ultimatums (For example, “Believe this, or you don’t love me”).
I think 1 Corinthians 13 provides the clearest description of Biblical love, but what else does the Bible say? A lot. Do a search of the word “love” in any given Bible translation, and you’ll find around 600+ references.
Here are some of them:
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:9-10 NIV
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.
1 John 4:18-21 NIV
Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers and overwhelms all transgressions [forgiving and overlooking another’s faults].
Proverbs 10:12 AMP
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
John 13: 34-35 NIV
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17 NIV
Better is an open reprimand [of loving correction] Than love that is hidden.
Proverbs 27:5 AMP
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 NIV
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 NIV
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Colossians 3:12-14 NIV
I could list dozens of verses on love and keep you reading all day, but these are just a few examples of how the Bible portrays love. Kind. Sincere. Forgiving. Unifying. Patient. Protective.
That’s what love is.
It’s not always easy, but it is defined biblically, and it is worth it. ❤️
Hey! I'm Brianna and I'm a millennial. I'm also a reader, writer, God-lover, introvert, and recovering perfectionist. ☺️ I want to inspire millennials to retain their morality, hope, and faith as they pursue lives of purpose.
