How to Find Out Which People Aren’t Your People

I wish I could tell you how to find your people. I wish I could find mine! I guess I haven’t figured that out yet. I’m pretty good at identifying them once they’re in the picture, but actually finding them? Not so easy. I’m increasingly inclined to believe it’s a God thing, in his timing, and the timing of the Lord for my life just hasn’t fully arrived.

What I do know is how to find out which ones are NOT your people. Not to brag, but I have a lot of experience with that.

I got unfriended the other day – twice – after I posted that I haven’t been to the doctor in 10 years. I didn’t include any emotional language or opinions about medicine, just the simple fact, which is true. I haven’t been to the doctor since I had a chronic illness, though I went to the doctor a lot when I did. I do have some thoughts, maybe what people suspected and maybe not, but I didn’t share them. Boom: unfriended. Times two.

When did the world become like this?

This year, I am focused on being unapologetically myself. That’s my phrase for the year: “unapologetically myself.” To be honest, usually my word or phrase of the year sounds a lot more spiritual, and this one doesn’t. It actually sounds rather self-absorbed. But I can feel the stirring inside of me, the tension that rises up when I feel like I can’t be fully myself with someone. It happens all the time: at work, on social media, at church, with friends, family, and acquaintances. I write a deep post and then never share it. I pick out a sparkly outfit and then put it back on the hanger. I tap out a thoughtful text and then never send it. I know these things might not be well-received, so I stow them away.

“Too much.” I feel it. I’ve struggled plenty with being “not enough,” and I still do. But lately it’s “too much.” The more unapologetically myself I let myself be, the more I am seen as “too much.” So I hold myself back, I reel myself in, I match the attitudes of others and I edit myself for the people in front of me. I am an incredibly honest person and I value authenticity over almost anything. But I still edit sometimes.

Much of the time, when I share something online that’s fully me, I don’t get many likes. It stings, but it’s a fact. If the post is really self-deprecating but still authentic, I usually collect a few more hearts. But overall, it feels like crickets.

I am not owed likes on social media or in person. I don’t want people to be untrue to themselves to give their digital or in-person approval if they don’t actually like what I say. (See my last post on love – I do not subscribe to the idea that love necessitates agreement.) I don’t like others’ posts if I don’t agree with them, even if I like the people who posted them. But I will say this: sometimes the crickets can reveal who your people aren’t.

I don’t need people to agree with me on everything, like all the same things I do, or have all the same opinions. I like Dutch Bros blended coffees, Christian fiction, and everything pink. I actually hate onions and *gasp!* fall. (See? I lost some of you right there!) I’d be hard-pressed to find a group of people that prefers all the same things I do.

But the ones who don’t accept and love me for who I am and who I am not, even if they don’t share all the same opinions? Those aren’t my people.

The ones I have to edit myself for to win their approval? Not my people.

The ones I have to type and retype texts and e-mails for before I hit send, worrying I’ll offend them if I don’t get it just right? Not my people.

The ones who roll their eyes at my colorful wardrobe choices and think I’m just trying to get attention? Not my people.

The ones who consistently assume bad motives on my part without recognizing my caring heart? Not my people.

The ones I have to suppress my natural leadership skills with so that they don’t feel threatened? Not my people.

The ones who only keep me around because they think they can control me and my opinions? Not my people.

The ones who totally do not understand my sense of humor, or that I even have one? Not my people.

The ones I’m always walking on eggshells with? Not my people.

Who are your people? I can’t say. But I can tell you which ones aren’t.

Where do you edit yourself to please others? Let’s agree to stop. We can bless people, be kind to them, and still choose not to edit ourselves for them. It hurts right away when the wrong ones walk out the door and leave crickets in their wake, but oh, it paves the way for the right ones. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be so busy trying to please people who don’t even like me that I miss the right ones when they come. And, someday, they are coming.