Funniest Quotes from the 2022-2023 School Year

As you probably know, I spent the last year in the classroom as a 3^rd grade teacher. I’ve always loved the show Kids Say the Darndest Things, and I felt like I was given the opportunity to host my own live show this year while I listened to my spirited 8- and 9-year-olds and took in all their hilarious commentary. Here are some of the funniest quotes from the class of 2032, edited only to conceal identities:

• “Ronald Reagan? Wasn’t he a serial killer?”
• “What does a double chin mean? …Oh. You already have one of those without even trying!”
• [After a student was caught in a forgery] “My mom and I are so much alike that our handwriting is exactly the same, too.”
• “My dad’s a truck driver. He’s driven all the way to China! He’s even driven as far as Nevada.”
• “How old are you? You look like a teenager.”
• “You’re not married? Oh, so that’s why you have cool clothes!”
• “You’re not married?! But you’re past your 20s!” 
• “You should adopt a husband!”
• “My dad says he’s 5’6. But he’s really 5’5.”
• “It’s almost 2023! My grandpa gets out of jail in 2023!”
• “Were you ever on the Titanic?” Also: “I’ve seen the movie. Disgusting!”
• “Everyone in this classroom is young except you!”
• “You look like Mrs. Claus.”
• “Your hair doesn’t match! Why is it darker on top?”
• “My 2nd grade teacher cried happy tears at the end of the year last year. Are you gonna cry happy tears?”
• “So…what is your job?”
• “My grandpa died before I ever even got to meet him. I’m not sure if I’ll see him in heaven, because he sometimes drank beer.”
• Student 1: “Nope, I’m not getting married; I’m getting dogs.” Student 2: “I’m getting married, but I’m ready to go broke.”
• “Can you call the nurse? My arm hurts.” Me: “What do you think she’d be able to do for you?” Student: “Oh I don’t know, take an X-ray?”
• Student 1: “I wish I could get sick so I don’t have to come to school the rest of the year.” Student 2: “I wish I could lose my arm so I don’t have to come to school.”
• “Camera doorbells…my stupid neighbor who’s a Karen has one.”
• “I’m afraid of, you know, going down and not up…” Me: “Like on your report card?” Student: “Like, not to heaven, but to the other place.”
• “I took a personal day yesterday. I told my mom I needed a personal week, but she said no.”
• “When you wear your hair down, you look like you’re in your 20s, but when you wear it up, you look like you’re in your 30s.”
• “The wrinkles on your forehead look like friggin’ Squidward.”
• “My parents liked your thank you note so much that we’re going to get you another present.”
• “You aren’t the best teacher but you’re good.”
• “Where do babies come from, anyway?”
• [When I used one of those trendy TikTok hair curlers, which I never plan to use again] “That’s a wig, right? You look like George Washington.”
• “How come you’re never sick?” Me: “I am sometimes. I’ve had a couple colds.” Student: “And a lot of headaches!”
• Me: “Can anyone remember examples of homophones? They sound the same but have a different meaning or spelling.” Student: “Yes, but and butt.”
• Student 1: “You’re my second favorite teacher in this school.” Student 2: “You’re my third favorite.”
• “I just heard someone say ‘vinegar,’ but they took out the V-I!”
• “I am married to coffee.”
• [Pointing to another student] “Are you her mom? Because you both have freckles!” (Mine were zits.)
• Me: “Please walk faster; we’re going to be late!” Student: “Well, sor-RY; I’m a lady!”
• [When I showed them a picture of me as a teenager] “You were ugly!” Me: The teenage years can be rough, with braces and zits…” Student: “It’s not the braces; it’s your face!”
• “You’re always kind…except when you seat boys next to girls.”
• And my personal favorite, taken from a note my student wrote to the principal: “I am so sorry for saying the F word I meant to say what the heck but when I said it, it just hit me.” 😂

They barked, meowed, hit the Griddy when they were supposed to be working, and got me hooked on Takis. It’s been two months since I’ve seen my 3^rd grade angels, and I still miss them every day!

Kids truly do say the darndest things, don’t they? 😊