God Doesn’t Owe Me Anything

I’ve faced a fair amount of disappointment over the past few years. This season of life has felt really unfruitful, and it’s been extremely discouraging.

I’ve gone through unfruitful seasons before, but in the past, it was usually because I didn’t sow anything. That was on me. This time, I know I’ve been sowing. I’ve been investing in people, causes, organizations, visions. I’ve given my all. I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been obedient.

And I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

No, it’s not about public recognition. (I actually hate that – please, keep the spotlight away from me!) It’s about knowing that what I did made a difference. It’s about knowing it was WORTH it.

Because I so desperately want this season to be worth it. This extended single season, especially.

Not to sound like a broken record, but this isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be single in my 20s, much less my 30s. I didn’t want to be the last one picked while all of my friends and family got married and had babies. I didn’t expect to watch the generation below me get houses and spouses and have kids before I did. Um, isn’t that against the rules of life?! Especially when I’ve been faithful? I’ve given God everything he’s asked, even when it’s been hard. Isn’t that supposed to guarantee me some kind of special blessing or favor from heaven?

When I was in BSSM, one of my leaders told a story of when he was navigating his own disappointment. At one point, he cried out to God, “Show me a more righteous man!!”

Oof. I can relate. I’ve had that same self-righteous attitude. No, I am not Jesus or anywhere close. And I repeat, I have NOT been perfect. But I’ve obeyed. I’ve done my best with the knowledge I’ve had. Sometimes it can be so easy to feel like I deserve a reward for good behavior.

But here’s the truth: God doesn’t owe me anything. He doesn’t owe me a husband, children, or a white picket fence. He doesn’t owe me friends. He doesn’t owe me money. He doesn’t owe me a good reputation or good health or success or 364 sunny days a year, with a fluffy Hallmark snowfall thrown in on December 25th. He owes me nothing.

He already gave me far more than I could ever deserve. He gave me the promise of eternity in heaven!

So is that enough for me?

*punch to the gut*

Is it enough? Is Jesus himself enough? Because he has to be. If he’s not, my heart’s not right. If he’s not, I’m doing everything for the wrong reasons. I’m not supposed to be doing any of these good or godly things to earn a reward; I’m supposed to do all things to glorify God.

I’m God’s little sheep. His vessel, created for his (emphasis on the his) purposes. God loves me and he loves to bless me. (And he does!) But he doesn’t owe me anything.

Will it all be worth it? Will this season be worth it?

I know in the end, it will be, because at the end of all this, I go to heaven and spend the rest of eternity in paradise. (Hopefully this involves me having hair like Barbie, a Beauty and the Beast library, and a pool of milk chocolate. I’ve given this a lot of thought. 😉)

But will this week be worth it? This year? This season of disappointment and seemingly no return on investment?

For that, I have to trust God. I do trust that he will bring a harvest from the seeds I’ve sown, because I know his character and he is good. And anyway, it’s a lie from the pit of hell that we won’t be fruitful – God put us each on the earth for that explicit purpose! But even if he doesn’t bring the fruit…I still choose to sow. I still give him my yes. I still choose obedience.

He owes me nothing, and I owe him everything.

Even if this season isn’t worth it…HE IS.

And that is enough.