August 7, 2023 8:00 am

Funniest Quotes from the 2022-2023 School Year

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As you probably know, I spent the last year in the classroom as a 3^rd grade teacher. I’ve always loved the show Kids Say the Darndest Things, and I felt like I was given the opportunity to host my own live show this year while I listened to my spirited 8- and 9-year-olds and took in all their hilarious commentary. Here are some of the funniest quotes from the class of 2032, edited only to conceal identities:

“Ronald Reagan? Wasn’t he a serial killer?”
“What does a double chin mean? …Oh. You already have one of those without even trying!”
[After a student was caught in a forgery] “My mom and I are so much alike that our handwriting is exactly the same, too.”
“My dad’s a truck driver. He’s driven all the way to China! He’s even driven as far as Nevada.”
“How old are you? You look like a teenager.”
“You’re not married? Oh, so that’s why you have cool clothes!”
“You’re not married?! But you’re past your 20s!”
“You should adopt a husband!”
“My dad says he’s 5’6. But he’s really 5’5.”
“It’s almost 2023! My grandpa gets out of jail in 2023!”
“Were you ever on the Titanic?” Also: “I’ve seen the movie. Disgusting!”
“Everyone in this classroom is young except you!”
“You look like Mrs. Claus.”
“Your hair doesn’t match! Why is it darker on top?”
“My 2nd grade teacher cried happy tears at the end of the year last year. Are you gonna cry happy tears?”
“So…what is your job?”
“My grandpa died before I ever even got to meet him. I’m not sure if I’ll see him in heaven, because he sometimes drank beer.”
Student 1: “Nope, I’m not getting married; I’m getting dogs.” Student 2: “I’m getting married, but I’m ready to go broke.”
“Can you call the nurse? My arm hurts.” Me: “What do you think she’d be able to do for you?” Student: “Oh I don’t know, take an X-ray?”
Student 1: “I wish I could get sick so I don’t have to come to school the rest of the year.” Student 2: “I wish I could lose my arm so I don’t have to come to school.”
“Camera doorbells…my stupid neighbor who’s a Karen has one.”
“I’m afraid of, you know, going down and not up…” Me: “Like on your report card?” Student: “Like, not to heaven, but to the other place.”
“I took a personal day yesterday. I told my mom I needed a personal week, but she said no.”
“When you wear your hair down, you look like you’re in your 20s, but when you wear it up, you look like you’re in your 30s.”
“The wrinkles on your forehead look like friggin’ Squidward.”
“My parents liked your thank you note so much that we’re going to get you another present.”
“You aren’t the best teacher but you’re good.”
“Where do babies come from, anyway?”
[When I used one of those trendy TikTok hair curlers, which I never plan to use again] “That’s a wig, right? You look like George Washington.”
“How come you’re never sick?” Me: “I am sometimes. I’ve had a couple colds.” Student: “And a lot of headaches!”
Me: “Can anyone remember examples of homophones? They sound the same but have a different meaning or spelling.” Student: “Yes, but and butt.”
Student 1: “You’re my second favorite teacher in this school.” Student 2: “You’re my third favorite.”
“I just heard someone say ‘vinegar,’ but they took out the V-I!”
“I am married to coffee.”
[Pointing to another student] “Are you her mom? Because you both have freckles!” (Mine were zits.)
Me: “Please walk faster; we’re going to be late!” Student: “Well, sor-RY; I’m a lady!”
[When I showed them a picture of me as a teenager] “You were ugly!” Me: The teenage years can be rough, with braces and zits…” Student: “It’s not the braces; it’s your face!”
“You’re always kind…except when you seat boys next to girls.”
And my personal favorite, taken from a note my student wrote to the principal: “I am so sorry for saying the F word I meant to say what the heck but when I said it, it just hit me.” 😂

They barked, meowed, hit the Griddy when they were supposed to be working, and got me hooked on Takis. It’s been two months since I’ve seen my 3^rd grade angels, and I still miss them every day!